***UPDATE: Wow, did I forget to upload this. This one’s written last April 10.***
***I haven’t written anything personal for the longest time, and I just felt that I had to this one time. This is to serve both as a catharsis for myself and in honor of my best pal, who went to heaven just 10 hours earlier from the time I’m writing this post.***
They say all dogs go to heaven. Since they do have the purest of hearts, I have to believe this truth.
They say all dogs go to heaven. Although it breaks my heart to lose my baby, I need to believe this truth.
They say all dogs go to heaven. So even with this excruciating pain, there’s nothing left for me to do but hold on to this truth alone.
Because if I don’t, I’m pretty sure that I would lose myself to the immense grief and sorrow that’s threatening to pull me down.
When I decided to get a dog that I’ll have to take care all on my own, I knew that having to deal with this kind of pain is in the cards for me somewhere along the way. But I never expected it to be THIS soon. I can still remember a little more than 2 years ago, when I first held you in my hands. You were just a precocious little ball of fur and I knew right then and there that I’ll have to deal with a pet that might not listen to me at all. And indeed, that was what happened between us, but you also gave me a sense of true happiness that was way beyond anything I ever expected from you.
But more than anything, even with your stubborn ways and wacky mannerisms, it was you who taught and gave me so much more than I was able to give you in your short life here on earth. I may have given you shelter and food, but you gave me a home. A home that I never realized I’ve been wanting to have and belong to for a long time now. You’ve made me appreciate all the littlest things once again and saw the real beauty in them. For the many times I was feeling down and tired, you’ve comforted me with your adorable and cuddly self. And most importantly, you’ve made me want to live in the moment and be more present. I just wished I learned that a little earlier during our time together. After closing myself up for the longest time, you’ve made me want to open myself up once again… to experience both joyful and sorrowful moments. And inasmuch as a part of me yearns to re-evaluate my attachment issues all over again, I do owe it to you to continue on with all that you taught and gave me, and look forward to more experiences and actually relish it as it happens in my life.
…had I known that it was the last time I’ll see you jump up and down just to reach me on my bed, I would’ve picked you up and let you have your way.
…had I known that it was the last time I’ll hear you bark at 6 in the morning because you need to go outside and do your thing, I would’ve gladly woken up right away and lead the way for you.
…had I known that it was the last time you’ll have the energy to play ball or to run after me, I would’ve spent some more time and paid more attention to you.
But I didn’t. And for the simple fact that I wasn’t able to recognize and respond to what you’re going through and what you’ve been feeling, I am truly and deeply sorry. I wish for a lot of things that I could, should, and would have done right, but I somehow failed you… and now you’re gone. And I’m left dealing with the aftermath of having lost you so soon, just too damn soon. I just have to keep holding onto the truth, as whimsical and fantastical it may be, that you are in a better place–healthy, happy, and without any kind of pain. And because of that, even for a fleeting moment in time, I am comforted.
I can’t deny that I’m also wallowing in guilt, because they say that you were able to sense my leaving in less than a month and the fact that I won’t see you in a full 6 months time. My heart is breaking at the thought that you’d rather go and leave me permanently, than having to endure those six months without me. I still can’t accept that it was already your time to go, but they also say that you somehow took it upon yourself to absorb all of the possible bad omen that might come my way for all the trips I’m going to embark on. And if that is really the case, I have nothing but an overwhelming sense of gratitude… although it doesn’t do much in lessening the pain I’m feeling right now.
They say a lot of things. But all I can think of is how much I’m terribly missing you right now. My room, which is my solace and my special place, has become too suffocating because of your absence. I still can’t find it in me to remove your things, even if it causes me a whole world of pain just looking at it. I’m even dreading the fact that I’ll have to sleep tonight without the comfort of your presence just below my bed, and the fact that I won’t ever wake up to your cute face and loud barking in the morning.
I somehow felt that when the vet called me to see you earlier today, that it might be the very last moment we’ll ever have with each other. You looked so weak and I felt so helpless that I can’t do anything to make you go back to your healthy self. But even if I ran a bit late, you still waited for me to say my goodbyes before passing. I remember whispering to you that it’s okay for you to go to sleep and that it’s probably time anyway because of all the pain and discomfort you’ve been feeling. As much as it crushed my heart to let you go, I just didn’t want to see you in so much pain anymore. So inasmuch as you’ve been stubborn as hell before (in a very adorable way, of course), thank you for listening to me this one time. And thank you for waiting for me, so we can have our one final moment. You, in the comfort of my arms just as we were the first time we met, as you took your final breath. As excruciating as that moment was for me, I wouldn’t have it any other way than experiencing it first hand and actually being there to hold you through it.
I love you so much, my baby boy. You’ve given me so much in our short time together, and even though the pain and grief are still all too raw and fresh at this point… I know I’ll be able to go on to my adventures this year with a whole new insight and perspective thanks to you. So thank you, thank you for being my home, and I do hope that I have done you right to deserve your guidance from the super happy and awesome place you are in right now. You’ve led the way for me just as much as I have had led it for you before. And with all of my heart, I wish and pray that you continue in leading me so I can find that feeling of home once more and that I may never lose it ever again.
They say all dogs go to heaven. My best bud just did, and this I know and believe in my heart to be the truest truth of them all.
In loving memory of Po, December 2011-April 2014.