I have long debated with myself whether or not I’ll still write about that certain pivotal moment in my life when I got my heart broken. I say “I got my heart broken” because in a way, I did see it coming but of course I denied to myself that it was actually going to happen until it finally did. And slightly foreseeing that moment didn’t really do anything to lessen the pain and grief in any way, and that’s why turning my life around after it happened is one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done for myself in my young life.
Maybe because it’s quite some time now since it happened, or just because of the gloomy and rainy weather we’re having, and I guess it won’t do me (or other people) much harm if I do write about it. I won’t be naming names anyway. In addition, a close friend of mine is having a similar predicament and it caused me to have a little introspection as well.
I’ve had my heart broken a few times before this, but I guess it wasn’t until this time that I loved someone way more than I knew I could and more than I intended to and that’s why this one hurt the most, no competition, hands down. This kind of heartbreak was accompanied by a strong feeling of being betrayed, left alone, shut off completely, judged, and very much broken to the core, that I was in a long state of shock before I actually managed to cry the pain out.
Let me provide a little back story… so there was this dude who managed to actually break down the walls I’ve strongly built around me to protect me from having to fall heart first and lose control over all my other priorities and responsibilities at that time. See it was my senior year in college, I was just named the co-captain of the varsity team I belong to, and I intended to really focus on my studies and family at that time, which meant having zero time allotted for a “love life”. But then there I was, completely in denial even when everybody knew that I was already in-love with him. The thing was, I was what you would call “friend zoned”… actually make that “BEST friend zoned”. I honestly didn’t complain nor did I want anything more than a bestfriend-ship because I knew I had so many other priorities and responsibilities, plus the fact that I was in complete and utter denial that I actually have strong feelings for him already. But then there he was, penetrating every fortress I’ve built around me and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late. It wasn’t like we were just pretending to be best friends, if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that we were really the best of friends at that time. We created this world around us that contained just the two of us. We would go on mini adventures during long breaks from classes and before our training (he was my teammate), he would normally go to my house whenever he pleased and stayed for as long as he liked (he even slept over twice), I would also go to his house and meet his family and would later on establish a great relationship with his mom and younger brother, and so on and so forth. Basically, we were almost inseparable. And no, it wasn’t as if I was forcing him to stay with me or anything, the friendship was really there and it was a two-way relationship. I took care of him and helped him in any way I could, even going out of my way sometimes, and to be fair to him, so did he.
Blame it on wrong timing or just pure bad luck, but I should’ve seen that I was headed for big trouble the moment I decided to stick with him even though I knew he already liked another girl. My main defense for my decision is that I strongly believed in our friendship and it really didn’t matter that he liked another girl because we were best friends and I never asked him to be more than that, maybe because I also wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted at that time. So there we were, in the middle of a scandal and our “bestfriend-ship” on the line. You can’t imagine how confident I was that he was going to stick with me as well because it’s not like I was his girlfriend that he can break up with, no, I was his best friend and friendships go way beyond mere romantic relationships… at least that was what I thought. We both wanted space but I knew and trusted him well enough to know that we were bound to patch things up one way or another and start rebuilding our friendship from scraps.
But during the time when I was hoping with everything I have that we would reconnect again soon, little did I know that he already had his mind set to do something that was almost unthinkable to me… which was to just leave me.
I was completely blindsided. At first, I was completely lost and I avoided having to think about what was happening and I did not even cry about it that much as well. I just didn’t let the pain and grief settle down because I still can’t believe what he did. I can’t even begin to think how easy it was for him to just leave and abandon me just like that. I didn’t allow myself to sulk and be depressed because I can’t face the fact that I was completely disillusioned–with his promises, with how strong our friendship was supposed to be, with how much he meant to me, and how much I supposedly mean to him. I guess I did go through the 5 stages of grief. I was long in denial, then I was angry but that lasted for just a very short time, then I had to go through the “what-if’s” and “if only’s”, and then there was depression. Now that was probably where I lingered the most during those dark times. I was in deep depression and I tried to isolate myself from the rest of the world because I can’t bear the thought of having people pity me and look down on me because I was the one who was rejected and left alone. I was the one he didn’t choose. And if there are two things I thought I could save at that time, it would be my pride and dignity, so I decided to take on this pain all by myself and I didn’t even think about going after him to beg for him to not leave me or anything.
I refer to my depression as “The Dark Ages” because I was really in such a bad and dark place. Once I let the pain set in, it was excruciating to the point that I actually had to hold my chest (the area where my heart is) because it felt as though it was being stabbed, getting twisted and squeezed, and all the other possible torture methods I can think of. I cried myself to sleep every night and even had bulimic tendencies for some time. I also tried smoking, something to aid me in thinking when I’m alone. Even the slightest of memories, signs, news, updates, and anything linked to him made me tear up on the spot and sometimes at work, I had to rush to the restroom to just let it out for some time before cleaning up my face. I even had to take sleeping pills because the nights were the worst and I can’t bear having to stay still on my bed and just cry till I fall asleep. I avoided drinking, partying, and the like because I didn’t really believe in that kind of method in coping with such pain. Instead, I went back to my introverted roots and just went out by myself–I’d watch movies alone, read a book in the corner of a coffee shop, take a long walk outside, go to Church and just stare at nothing, and so on. It wasn’t until a few months later that I let other people in and when I actually started talking about what happened, my thoughts, and how I felt. I am blessed to have such understanding friends, who listened to me even though I knew they were starting to get sick of the topic already.
But to be perfectly honest, sharing and talking about it with other people probably contributed to only around 60-70% of my healing process because at the end of the day, I needed to hear it straight from him. None of my friends can give me a solid explanation as to why he did what he did. And the thing was, I wanted to believe that the guy I fell for, my best friend, was still in there somewhere and that he had a perfectly good reason as to why he had to leave me and why he had to completely shut me off from his life—ME, the one person who never left his side, the one person who never judged him, the one person who understood the feelings and thoughts he hid behind his smile and laughter, and the one person who accepted and loved him regardless of his faults, imperfections, what he was not, and what he was. I needed that closure and I didn’t get it from my friends, nor from my excessive thinking, not even from relationship experts. What I needed at that time can only come from him and “he” wasn’t there anymore.
Then came acceptance. It took me a long time to get where I am and I can’t even remember the exact moment or day when I woke up and I just knew that I was okay already. I didn’t dread having to wake up again to a new day and instead, I became excited for new adventures and for the life I have yet to live. I started to smile more, laugh more, and just be positive with everything around me. I was so scared before that I could never love another guy as much as I’ve loved him, and now, I can’t wait to fall in-love again… hopefully with the right guy this time. The best part was seeing what happened as something very beautiful. More than the pain, I feel so blessed to have experienced it and having the chance to love someone way beyond I thought I could ever love someone in my life. Yes, sometimes I still feel as though I still need that closure and final statement from him, but most days, I feel more than fine without it. I would also lie if I say that I completely do not think about him at all because I do, sometimes. I’m not someone who falls in-love so easily and since then, I haven’t dated anyone nor have I fallen for anyone. It’s not that I’m waiting for him to come back because I’m not, it’s more of a personal choice of making myself a better person on my own and I still think I’m in the process of doing so. I want to make myself be the right girl for the right guy. I’ve also decided to finally fix my priorities in my life, which is to spend more time with my family and my true best friends, as well as work hard in order to be prepared for the “future”. I admit I do miss him from time to time, or at least the person he used to be… my best friend. I still think that part of him is still somewhere in there but whether he comes back or not, is something I don’t dwell upon anymore. I just sincerely wish and pray that he finds his true happiness and peace of mind.
I’ve read in one of my favorite books that “Writing does not resurrect. It buries.”, and I guess this is exactly what I’m doing by finally writing about it after all this time—I’m finally burying it through airing my side of things for all the world to see. It’s probably because it’s just now that I don’t care who happens to read it and whatever they may say about it as well. It’s the right time to recognize what happened because it was such a huge part of how my life made a 360-degree turn and how I came to be at this point in my life—happy, content, and optimistic.
Soooo maybe you’re asking what’s the point of all of this and what can you possibly benefit from having to go through that lengthy post about the time when my some guy broke my heart, right? I guess it’s the simple cliche that ‘everything will be okay’, ’cause it has been for me and it always will for everyone else regardless of the situation and how painful it must have been. And instead of harboring any resentment, regrets, anger, and what have you, just try to look at it as a beautiful memory that you’ve had the pleasure of having in your life. Make it your turning page and the motivation behind turning your life around for the better, because that’s what I did and I would never take anything back—both the good and the bad—because it’s what brought me to this great place where I am right now in my life. And in fact, I have to thank him for that. If he hadn’t left me, I probably would’ve been still stuck. He gave me a wake-up call, the kind of wake-up call I’ve been needing in a long time and for that, wherever you are, and if you happen to read this or not, I sincerely thank you.