Having an out-of-body experience is not exactly a new thing, but somehow, I am finding myself having more and more of these experiences recently and I’m starting to find it hard to snap back to reality as soon as possible. It probably didn’t help that I was reading a book by Haruki Murakami, ‘Sputnik Sweetheart’. We all know that Haruki (feeling close?) is a very philosophical and out-of-this-world writer and his words just easily feed my frequent out-of-body experiences more than ever.
Just recently, I was reading this same book at a coffee shop and for a good two hours, I actually forgot where I was. I was so engrossed with the story and with some other things I kept on thinking and imagining about that when I finally looked up from my book, I was almost surprised to see that I was inside that coffee shop and not in some place described in the book.
I guess this is the result of having too much alone time, which of course I’ve grown accustomed to especially this past year. Leave me alone in a place and I can easily shut the world off and everyone around me in an instant. My thoughts can actually be so much louder than everything around me that I just tend to get lost and be unaware of what’s happening in my surroundings. Completely.
It’s like staring into a great view and just getting lost at the thought of all the countless possibilities with no apparent end. I can’t really describe how and when I start to go into deep thought and just get lost in it, but it’s something that really comes naturally to me. As impossible as it may seem, I am an introvert to begin with and I guess this is just me going back to my introverted roots.
(Sorry for filling this post with nature shots, I usually get lost more with nature so….)
But in as much as it is too easy for me to get lost in my thoughts, it’s twice as hard to snap back to reality. At first, I didn’t really mind because I love getting lost in my thoughts. Living in another world aside from the actual world I’m living in is one tempting dream to get lost in, but I sometimes think that I enjoy it a bit too much. It gets a bit more difficult when I have to snap back to reality suddenly, like when I’m driving and I actually have to pay attention to the road instead of my make-believe thoughts.
It also gets tough when the lines where reality ends and make-believe begins start to get blurred and unrecognizable already. For example, there are some instances in my life that I wish had gone differently and I keep on imagining those scenarios I wish for that I actually believe that they indeed happened in real life. The happiness I feel because of thinking that things went my way becomes so fleeting once I realize that they really did not actualize in my reality.
And while having a wide and vast imagination is a good thing, I’ve come to realize that it made me lose some interest in reality, which is of course a not-so-good thing. I feel more alive with things and scenarios I imagine that once I snap back to reality, I just feel so empty and almost nonexistent. I’ve always had this apathetic feeling ever since but it’s just now that I’m feeling it more than ever to the point that it kinda alarms me a bit. It does alarm me but it’s not like I’m scared or anything. I just know that this feeling is going way beyond than what I am used to and I’m thinking that if I let this go on, it might lead me to do something that would really affect my existing reality. I don’t know if I’m making any sense but I guess it’s as simple as, I have a feeling that someday, I would choose to just dream forever rather than exist in this “real world”.
I know I should go out more often, be in the company of my friends more often, and just simply exist more often but sometimes it just makes me feel so exhausted. So exhausted that I just choose to be with no one but myself. I love and adore my friends, my real friends, but we all have our own lives to live and I can’t always expect them to understand me as much as I want and hope them to. And just to be clear, I’m not depressed or lonely. In fact, I actually feel complete even just with my thoughts and my imagined world. I just need to air this out because I know I need to do something because my life isn’t exactly well-balanced, and it has to be in order for me to function better in the “real world”, the world where I have to exist more.
I know what I have to do, but knowing something is very different from actually feeling something. I just hope that that day comes when I’ll wake up and what I know and what I feel are one and the same. And I wish, hope, and pray that it happens sooner before I let myself split into two.