Don’t let the title deceive you—I myself don’t understand it completely.
It was one of those few times I suddenly had the energy to browse through my Facebook live feed and I happen to chance upon my Philosophy professor’s video post (yes I am friends with my Ph101 & 102 teacher). It was an animation about a ~weird~ animal…well I call it weird because I really don’t know what animal it is…and this weird animal wants to fly but it has no wings nor arms but he was able to do so in the end. Anyway it was basically about hope.
Afterward, I checked out the exchange of comments below the video and my professor said that this video basically reminds him of Marcel’s concept of Hope and it reminds him of his former students (like me) and what they have become after graduating from college. I really don’t know why but somehow his comment hit me—I mean, what have I become after college? It’s been almost 2 years since I graduated and I still feel as though I’m still on the starting line waiting to begin the race. Pfffffft. In my defense (not that I have to really defend myself here but anyway), there are a lot more ‘adults’ dealing with this kind of what-am-I-really-gonna-do-with-my-life problem and some of them are much older than I am. But in any case, I felt as though I need an assessment of some kind of what I have done and achieved in the past 2 years since I left college.
1. Working for a high-end car company—one of the best mistakes of my life. Why best? Well I did meet pretty interesting people and it has given me a chance to live in another place for a month and have a taste of the luxurious life. Although it would probably classify as the worst career move ever, it made me realize what I did NOT want in my future career and lucky for me, I was literally just beginning since it was my first job (Idek if I should call it an actual job) and I only wasted about 6 months there.
2. Working for a high-end retail company—up to now. Basically I’ve been here right after I left my first job up until this moment that I am typing these words. So far, I have learned a lot and experienced a lot as well from this company and honestly, I do think I can still go on work-wise. The only big question I’m dealing with right now is money-related. And it’s not helping that at 22 years old, I’m being pressured to death by my parents to really start preparing for my future (they actually want me to start paying for my own house hah). And to be perfectly honest, I am living from paycheck to paycheck especially with all my expenses (phone bills, gas, food, ~shopping~).
To sum it all up, I haven’t really achieved much yet in those 2 years (insert sad face here). This year though, I really want to do things very differently and on my own. I guess I’m in need of a little pushing and mentoring to make all of my goals happen—case in point, to have my own business. But from where I’m seated right now, whatever happens in the coming months is still very hazy and blurry to me and that scares me. And if right now, my philosophy teacher reads this post, I can’t even imagine how disappointed he would be of what I’ve come to achieve after getting probably the best education in the country.
So what do you do when everything that lies before you looks like a complete and utter blur? This may be extremely out-of-the-blue but this whole thinking made me remember my most favorite topic ever in Philosophy—HOPE. Sometimes, and this is a fact, we actually bring about our own defeat and destruction. We let our fears and self-defeating thoughts conquer us and the way we perform and most of the time, it wins. Then we fall into this great black hole of depression which can eventually lead to despair. And it goes way downhill from there. BUT I REFUSE TO BE LIKE THAT. Scared as I am, I’m more than willing to learn more and to risk more starting now. I do need the help of other people, especially my parents, to bravely jump and just do it. But that’s the beauty of hope, it’s more than just thinking it’s going to get better—it’s that underlying powerful force that motivates a person even in the presence of possible failure and loss. And if there’s one thing that is keeping me going each and everyday, aside from the air I breathe, it’s hope.
“Hope consists in asserting that there is at the heart of being, beyond all data, beyond all inventories and all calculations, a mysterious principle which is in connivance with me” (Marcel 1995, p. 28)
“Despair is possible in any form, at any moment and to any degree, and this betrayal may seem to be counseled, if not forced upon us, by the very structure of the world we live in” (Marcel 1995, p. 26). And it is up to me to really conquer and manage myself in such a way that I am focused in moving forward and beyond all my failures, loss, letdowns, mistakes, and so on and so forth.
Something to live by, one day at a time. 🙂